In Spanish they call it El Dia de Temor, but in English, it’s simplified to 9/11. Previously unknown by Americans, the holiday is now characterized by country-wide dips in airplane travel, solemn-faced soccer moms, and gratuitous displays of the flag. The holiday is called Fourth of July’s Evil Twin by flippant social scientists, and indeed, citizens—especially of Middle Eastern backgrounds—typically hide their fireworks to avoid any individualized suspension of habeas corpus.
On 9/11, celebrants from rural areas will momentarily suspend their distaste for their country’s Gomorrah and visit the hallowed ground. There, they circle the walled off area seven times counter-clockwise, clicking Capture buttons at each juncture. The proper face to make while posing in a photo of the World Trade Center is one with the lips turned downward while a distant cousin does a shameless “Bunny Ears.”
Although security consists of everything from helicopters to swat teams to presidential motorcades on the day of the pilgrimage, this year’s celebration was interrupted by a moment of citizen violence. Walter Carter of Duncan, Texas, who was posing in front of the hallowed ground while his wife Sheryl played with the exposure settings, was assaulted by a man of suspiciously dark complexion. The weapon used was a snowglobe containing a miniature effigy of the towers burning, inscribed with Never Forget. The weapon was stolen from a nearby souvenir booth.
“How dare you!” the man reportedly screamed. “How dare you!”
The man was later identified as Kazi Karam, a New York native.
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In recent years sociologists have been observing less and less subjects celebrating 9/11. Although early speculation pointed toward increasing ignorance toward the holiday, recent discoveries indicate the drop in observance may be due to apathy. One field researcher reports 9/11 jokes at college campuses at an all-time high.
