Ray tells Bud Donovan to draw the blinds, unplug the Internet, and break Ray’s cell phone. Easy. Bud Donovan likes when Ray asks easy things. Bud Donovan likes how the glass cracks on Ray’s cell phone, how it sprinkles like confetti, like maybe this is a birthday surprise (it is his birthday) and Ray hasn’t told him yet.
—
Bud Donovan woke up wanting birthday cake for breakfast. Bud Donovan could smell it in his dreams. In real life Ray and Bud Donovan’s apartment smelled like lady, warm lady, one-night lady; not Maxine.
Ray yells at someone in the kitchen and uses the words that get bleeped on TV. But Ray is not on TV.
—
It is Bud Donovan’s birthday. Bud Donovan is forty-three years old. It is a Monday but Ray is not at work. The lady left lipstick, and a turd in the toilet. Bud Donovan watched it sit at the bottom of the toilet.
—
Ray tells Bud Donovan to not let Ray leave no matter what. Ray tells Bud Donovan not to let Ray call anyone no matter what. Ray tells Bud Donovan not to go for help no matter what.
Ray opens the special box. Bud Donovan grins. Now Ray will sing and Bud Donovan will blow out candles.
But there is no shiny-wrapped present in the special box. There is medicine in the special box, piled up on top of each other like an evil person’s gold.
—
Ray is Bud Donovan’s baby brother. Ray and Bud Donovan shared the same kindergarten class, even though Momma tried very hard to get Bud Donovan into first grade. Ray and Bud Donovan have always shared everything. Ray and Bud Donovan shared bedrooms. Ray and Bud Donovan shared classes. Ray and Bud Donovan shared apartments.
Mrs. Yamagachi the kindergarten teacher asked Ray if it was Ray like sunshine. Ray said it was Ray like the barbeque sauce.
—
Ray takes one pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill. Then Ray takes another pill.
—
Men put Momma into the ground and Bud Donovan moved in to Ray and Maxine’s apartment. Ray was married to Maxine two years. Ray and Maxine wanted a baby. Ray said something was stuck.
Maxine agreed to take care of Bud Donovan during the day. Maxine took good care of Bud Donovan.
Then Maxine went and had a baby, just like Ray wanted. But Ray didn’t want a baby anymore, because Ray told her the baby had to leave. Maxine left with the baby.
Ray cried when she left. Bud Donovan cried because his baby brother was crying. Ray punched Bud Donovan, and a few other things, too.
—
Bud Donovan and Ray live together in Queens, which is New York City. Ray said all of Queens is New York City, but not all of New York City is Queens. Bud Donovan didn’t understand. Ray touched Bud Donovan on the head, the heart, both shoulders. “Three parts, one God.” Ray said. “Five boroughs, one New York.” Ray folded the brim of his Yankees cap so it looked like a duck’s mouth. “All the same shit.”
—
Ray sits on the kitchen chair for an hour, staring like Momma stared before she stopped staring forever. Then Ray jumps from the chair, goes for the door. Bud Donovan stops him. “Let ‘em burn,” Bud Donovan says. Bud Donovan feels proud for remembering.
Ray says no no no no no. Ray says you bastard. Ray kicks and punches and bites, but Bud Donovan is the big brother and the birthday boy. The big brother is stronger. The birthday boy knows best.
(Photograph by Alyssa Laessig. Thanks to Peyton Harrison for the inspiration.)
